How to have car sex like a pro (bottoms edition)

“Ouch, my leg!” you scream while folded like a pretzel in the back of a Hyundai. Your broken speakers are blasting Worst Girl In America by Slayyyter, and all you can think about is the sand that is giving you a friction rash from the surfer guy you met on the beach. It’s a hundred degrees, and the back of his car has just turned into Gwyneth Paltrow’s Magnum candle Opus, straight goop and gooch smell wafting across your precious little gay nose. You leave with irritated skin, sore legs, and a tainted listening history of one of the year's best albums. Not only are these things just absolutely tragic, but they are also totally avoidable, at least the parts about comfort and friction rashes. The solution to perfect car sex is through the ABC’s.

A 

A is for asshole prep. Yes, prepping your brown starfish is the first key to success on oceanside car hookups. When it comes to automotive erotic experiences, it is usually a desperate time call for desperate measures, i.e., spontaneous hookups. Spontaneity sounds sexy in theory, but for bottoms, it turns into a complex mathematical equation that involves counting calories, thinking of the nearest water bottle, or simply risking it for the metaphorical biscuit. What if we could tell you that all that math could be thrown away? We would say, of course, you're happy, you always liked English class anyway, gaybo. We would also say you should regularly take Pure for Men’s Stay Ready Fiber. Basically, it gives your body premium fiber, two types in fact, to naturally clean the digestive track. After regularly taking it, you can be confident you will not be painting and will be ready to take a D appointment anytime you want.

As an extra failsafe, we recommend taking a few of Pure for Men’s Travel Wipes. They are individually wrapped micellar and aloe wipes, perfect for on-the-go cleanups. So, once you get a quick moment out of his view, you can quickly swipe on your intimate areas to make sure you are extra safe. PS, they are also great for wiping up “materials” after the hookup is done. 

 B

Butter up, buttercup! That chafing you had from earlier, what if that didn’t have to be a worry anymore? Whether it’s from heat or the outdoor elements, chafing can put a real damper on your libido. We recommend packing petroleum jelly or our Bum Balm to quickly apply to areas prone to chafing. With some moisturizing lubrication, the risk of irritated skin decreases, allowing you to focus on what really matters. Personally, we would opt for our Bum Balm, as it has great moisturizing properties AND helps to deodorize your intimate areas. So instead of the car reeking for days, try using tropical coconut + cream, or our revitalizing mint + clove scents instead.

 C

Can we change positions, please? Ask for what you need! While pleasing a partner is super gratifying and should be the goal, it shouldn’t be at the expense of your own. Sex is a mutual activity, so mutual pleasure should be as present as possible. If being folded down on your neck is something you know will give you a crick, suggest doggy style instead. One of our personal favorites is the sit-down rider. Here, the top sits down in the middle of the backseat area. Then, after you sit on top of his lap, facing him with your knees bent on the two outer seats. Finally, you insert his cucumber into your coin purse and ride, baby, ride! What’s great about this one is that you can adjust your legs as much as you need on the outer seat, and you get to be in control of how fast things enter and leave. Another plus is that this also allows you both to have two angles on the lookout in case you are in an area where car sex is frowned upon.

Spontaneity and variation are what keep the spice alive in sex. It should be fun, exciting, and most of all pleasurable for you. Sometimes that means cruising in the woods or random car hookups with a questionable lifeguard. Whatever your poison is, make sure to pick it in a way that takes care of you, too. And when in doubt, remember the ABCs!

Written by Cartie Whitelaw, Staff

Writer @ Pure for Men
Cartie writes about queer wellness, identity, and finding confidence through community and self-care.